Hairball

Stephanie's been really sick lately. Coughing, sneezing, everything.

I've been so worried.

The doctors think she has the flu or something, but I know better.

Stephanie has a massive hairball that she can't get out.

I've been trying to get right up in her face to offer support and encouragement, to let her know that she does not fight this battle alone. I've got many years hairball fighting experience. In fact, I've seen quite a few dandies through to completion.

But Stephanie just pushes me away, as if I have nothing to offer.

We'll get through this together, Stephanie, and grow stronger! And when you spit out that hairball eventually, I'll be the first one there to congratulate you!

Valentine's day

One night Stephanie came home and thought I was sleeping soundly on the couch. But I was just pretending to be asleep, and the ruse worked because I spend 20 hours a day in a fetal position appearing to be unconscious.

Anyways, Stephanie was talking on the phone to some people about how they were going to throw a big party, and the main attraction would be a game of pinata. Except it wouldn't be your usual horse or dog covered in streamers and filled with Toostie rolls and hubba bubba; it would be me!! Your's truly, hung from a tree and molested with baseball bats!

I was wondering why I was getting fed so many cans of Nine Lives wet can food... because apparently Stephanie wants to use all of mine up for her own amusement!

And on top of this, it's Valentines Day.

I feel very betrayed right now and am not sure who to trust.

Pimping ain't easy, so I nap often

My human guy friends never believe me when I say that I could get to second base with any girl, at zero personal expense. And they are always proved wrong and forced to pay their respects to my uncanny abilities.

The average fellow has to take a girl out to dinner, listen to her talk about her interests, and buy flowers and candy, all in the hopes of getting some. But not me.

As soon as any beautiful young lady sees me, they can't help but pick me up and clutch me tightly to their breast as they stroke my clumpy and unkempt fur. I just throw my disgusting obese elderly kitty vibe out there and they eat it up.

I've been with lots of women.

One time my owner was talked into lending me to a stripper, who had recently suffered a rough break-up and needed the type of consolation only I could give. For a week I got to hang out at her place and bask in her adoration. How many guys can claim that?

But of all the girls, Stephanie is by far my favorite. From the first time I sat in her lap and pawed at her face with my litter-encrusted paw, something just felt right. It was like the zenith of feline/human interspecial relations.

Stephanie, you're the greatest girl a kitty could have.

But please, quit locking me in the bathroom with you while you use the toilet. That's just not cool.