This rodent posing as a cat is Gustav. He thinks he's so much more handsome than me, because his tummy doesn't sweep the floor when he walks or swing side to side like a fat pendulum when he runs. He claims to be purebred chocolate point Siamese, while my mother was a tabby whore.

If I'm a Bunker Hill Community College student, then he goes to Harvard. But I still have ways to get even. Like hissing at him.